Sir Elton John once lamented that "Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word". It's a pretty song but this writer has a hard time agreeing with its lyrics. How can sorry be difficult if one is properly contrite?
For my money, saying goodbye is far more trying. After all, didn't Shakespeare tell us that "Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow"? And if you're saying goodbye in French, doing so will be more trying, still.
The French language and culture are cloaked in layers of formality that dictate every aspect of social interaction. You might not think tossing out a casual goodbye at evening's end could land you in hot water. However, the wrong farewell to your boss or someone equally important could cause you a lot of trouble.
We're not talking about the difference between Au Revoir and Adieu, though they're substantial. In French, there are words, phrases and actions to express various depths of meaning. Some are more formal than others. That's why you need to know:
- The many different ways to express farewell sentiments
- The flavors of French goodbye and the occasions to use them in
- The difference between formal and informal goodbyes
- The cultural relevance of saying the right goodbye
Incidentally, 'Adieu' is considered dated, these days. "To god" is its literal translation. People used to say it when the goodbye implied a permanent separation. Today, you might hear Adieu in a sarcastic context or at the theater.
Understanding the Nuances of "Au Revoir" in Various Contexts
I was born and partly grew up in France. So when I visited my extended family after a long time away, I knew the language but not all the cultural norms. My uncle didn't surprise me when he put his hands on my shoulders and kissed my cheeks three times at the airport departure gate. However, he shocked me when he said something rude with each kiss.
'Faire la bise', the French practice of kissing on the cheeks, is so common as to be clichéd. It's typical for close friends and family to greet each other - and also to part with that gesture. It was the scatological word that so startled me. Seeing my confused look, he explained that it meant 'good luck', not 'get lost' when said in the 'bise' context.
My experience shows how French goodbyes and other social interactions can be complicated and full of nuance. What if Uncle Jean had only extended his hand and wished me a sterile 'au revoir et bon voyage'? It would have signalled I was leaving as much a stranger as I was when I arrived. Instead, his hearty gesture and that word told me I was a part of their clan.
This doesn't mean you should use rude words while kissing people goodbye in France. Far from paving a guaranteed path to social acceptance, you'll surely face rejection, or worse.
In most cases, the standard 'Au revoir' or a casual 'Salut!' will do. If you're parting company during evening hours, 'Bonsoir!' works a charm. If it's even later, 'Bonne nuit' is the farewell you need. 'À la prochaine!' ('til next time!) is fine for close relatives and friends, maybe even colleagues.
Other Ways to Bid Farewell in French
The French are renowned for keeping their language pure. You won't hear 'bye', 'later' or any of the slang signoffs English speakers are so fond of. However, French youths are not opposed to a hearty Ciao, itself made informal with Tchao. The trendy might even shout 'Bisous!' much the same way our avant-garde would squeal 'Kisses!' when parting.
All of the farewell words we've mentioned so far will get the job done. But you might want to add some depth to your departures, depending on the situation. For instance, if you've spent the last hour talking a friend through a hard time, you might say "Prends soin de toi." It means 'take care of yourself'; you would say it just before you exchange kisses.
What if you're the friend having the hard time? You should part company by saying "Merci pour ta compagnie." - 'Thanks for your company'. 'Merci' is a great preamble to goodbye. You can say "Thanks for listening" (Merci pour m'avoir ecouté(e)), "Thanks for your help" (Merci pour ton aide) and other things you might be thankful for.
If you have no specific situation to be thankful for but still want to add a layer of depth to your farewell, consider "All the best". 'Tout le meilleur" is for someone you've just met that you might see again soon. "Bonne chance" - good luck is a great parting shot for someone you know casually. If the person you're wishing luck to is of 'la bise' caliber, say it after the kissing, as you walk away.
Adapting Farewells to Formal and Informal Situations
"Meilleurs veux" is the formal way to say 'best wishes'. It's suitable for professional farewells - say, if someone is leaving the company. In professional situations, it's always best to maintain a level of formality, no matter how casual the work environment is. That's why you'll hear store owners saying "Au revoir!" or "A bientôt!" rather than 'Ciao!' when they leave work.
However, if they're leaving for the day, they will say "Bonne journée" - '(have a) good day'. Note the difference between this farewell and 'bonjour'. Their literal translation is the same. However, one implies a greeting and the other is a salutation.
Gatherings between friends tend to be more formal, too. For instance, if you're invited to dine at someone's house, your farewell must include thanking them. "Merci pour l'invitation", perhaps, or "Merci pour ce merveilleux repas" - 'thank you for this marvellous meal'.
But if you're out with friends, you don't need to stick to formalities. "À plus", "Ciao" and the go-to 'Salut!' are fine for same-aged peer farewells. You can also get by with a "À tout a l'heure!" (till later!) if you plan on seeing them later that day.
You can add yet more layers of feeling to your goodbyes if the one you bid farewell to is very close to you. "Tu vas me manquer" sounds like you're threatening them with your absence. This is one of those strange 'opposite' French phrases whose meaning is rooted in archaic sentence construction.
It means "I'll miss you", not "You'll miss me", as the construction suggests. It puts the emphasis on the other person rather than on the speaker. The opposite, first-person singular "Je vais te manquer" means 'You're going to miss me'. That's not something you should say in polite French company!
If nothing else, that phrase demonstrates that mastering French politeness and its sometimes convoluted language is challenging. If you're unsure of a suitable farewell, stick with "Au revoir" until someone tells you you can deliver a more casual parting. In France, it's always best to err on the side of politeness.
Farewell Etiquette in French Culture
In France, it's better to be too formal than not formal enough, even if people tease you a bit for it. My elderly aunt, another recently re-met relative, asked me why I was using honorifics when addressing her (Pourquoi tu me vouvoies?). She told me that because we are family, I do not need to address her with the formal 'vous'. But it would never enter my mind to address her as 'tu' until she gave me permission to.
'Juniors' in any engagement, social or professional, must let the 'seniors' dictate the degree of politeness. The older or higher-status person should initiate 'la bise', for instance. One would be a rude cur indeed if they leaned in without the 'senior' signaling willingness or readiness for the ritual.
Politeness and formality go hand in hand. If you can find any reason at all to thank the person you're taking your leave from, do so. Even if it's just "Merci pour une soirée mémorable" - 'thank you for a memorable evening', it's better than a mere 'bonsoir'. For somebody of a higher status, maybe your boss, you might go so far as to say "Je dois vous remercier pour... " - "I must thank you for...".
The practice of hugging has caught on in many parts of the world, ours included, but not in France. No matter how warm and comfortable you feel with a French person, never give them a hug, especially not publicly. Wrapping your arms around them as you say goodbye will cost you all the points your earlier politeness accrued.
You can take your cues from what's going on around you until you've mastered the French culture's farewell rituals. If you don't see anyone engaging in 'la bise', you should avoid it, too. If people aren't shaking hands, don't offer yours. If you're the 'junior' in the exchange, let the 'senior' set the terms for politeness and saying farewell.
The sooner you can decode French social etiquette, the more colorful your French experience will be. You'll find yourself navigating social situations from bonjour to bonsoir with hardly a concern for proper form. Learning the French language is one part of it' the rest, you'll learn from cultural competence.
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